Within hours of PRIDe’s surrender, Starfisher’s acquired the now defunct PMC’s assets and released the following statement to the press:
Starfisher’s Coffee Initiative has reportedly mobilized significant forces by drafting staff wholesale. In a press tour of Starfisher’s Coffee Initiative headquarters, Mr. Fisher noted that “whipping up a latte is a lot like flying an attack helicopter” and then ordered an ashen-faced barrista out to the airfield to “take a spin in that Cobra out there!”Starfisher’s is excited to announce our expansion into military operations. We believe there are obvious synergies between delivering world class coffee related services and globe-spanning combat operations. With this acquisition we will be forming a conglomerate entity, henceforth known as Starfisher’s Coffee Initiative, and begin aggressive expansion into untapped markets.
As CEO Fisher commented, “We’ve always believed that great customer service grows out of the barrel of a gun. Would you like a fine grand mocha? Of course you would!”
We would also like to address shareholder concerns about our core competencies with a quote from our earnings conference call last quarter: “A single case of fatal coffee burns is a tragedy; a million cases is an opportunity for a share buyback program!”
Reporters were presented with a lunch from the “gourmet buffet”, where servers used the barrels of M16A3’s to direct streams of coffee into cups made from used artillery shells. Mr. Fisher commented that “the coffee grinder guy is a crack shot ” when sanitation concerns were raised, and refused to answer follow up questions.
International confusion over the merger turned to alarm today as STAR forces rapidly overwhelmed defenses in airports and key infrastructure all over the globe. After presiding over a formal surrender ceremony, Mr. Fisher made a single sentence speech, summed here in its entirety: “Remember folks, war is the continuation of quality barista services by other means!”
